Reflections
by Chomp257
Summary: NamaHone, Namazuo x Honebami basically, about Koi Fish, and arguments. Prompts used: 'But no matter how hard you reach, he will never be yours-' and 'Separation is hard and you don't cope well with it.'
1. Chapter 1

You love your brother. You love him more than anything else in your entire colourless world, because though he can't colour it, he lights it up and keeps the monsters of the dark at bay - and you love him for it.

But you can't stand it anymore, walking with his friends to the citadel; eating dinner with the others everyday; waking up at night, alone, because he's out with them again. It hurts too much when he's not there, and you're sick of missing him all the time, because, recently, he hasn't been there at all, and it's almost unbearable. Almost, you think, to keep yourself together, because if he was everything to you, you would break.

He's always told you to be honest, so you are. You tell him everything that you've been feeling, but before you can apologise for it, and try to explain it all to him, he starts yelling at you, because he doesn't understand - how could you be so selfish, he asks, and you think that's a good question, even though you're not even good in the first place.

The two of you will never understand each other, and you tell him, because he told you to be honest; because you know this is the only way to solve it. And when he says he needs some time, you agree to it. "I think I need some time away from you, as well, to sort myself out," you say, with a tone in your voice that even you can't really place. He just pulls away without a word - for a moment there's this ripping feeling in your chest - and he's gone; you're alone in the room; so you sink to the bed and cry, because it hurts more than it should, and you feel like he'd just ripped himself out of your heart; now you couldn't stop bleeding.

Yet you don't go after him, because you have to stop relying on him. You have to grow up, and you both know it all too well.

The next few days are agony, because seeing him now is even more painful than before. He smiles more with the other swords, and eats dinner with them every night, while you sit silently outside, watching the fish swim around in the pond. There are Koi, and catfish, and a bunch of brightly coloured smaller fishes, all swimming around. One of the Koi remind you of yourself; just shades of grey amongst its multicoloured peers.

You used to think that each of the Koi represented each of you, but it couldn't be the case, because recently, you'd spotted an extra one. It was hard to miss (how could you not have noticed it before?), and it looked... familiar, yet you couldn't place who exactly it was… memories were tricky, but you'd counted and named every single Koi in the pond except that one. It was kind of frustrating, but…

Golden specks flitted across the surface of the pond, water rippling as the golden koi's back breached the world above it, and for a moment it feels as if it reaches out to you, wanting to stay up there, before it plunges back to the bottom of the pond, swimming in graceful circles around your fish, darting in to nip at it. You want to cry out - but it's like your mouth's been sealed shut, so you sag back onto the bench. The grey Koi tries to swim away, but fails, and slowly, stops moving. You think it's dead, but then you realise it's waiting for something - Namazuo's Koi swims closer, and for a moment you're fooled into thinking he would actually come save you, but instead he swims away with the golden koi, and you can't stop the tears from falling, because he's finally, actually, leaving you.

Nothing can be done, because nothing is to be done; because nothing will stop him from leaving you. So you let him slip through your fingers, just like that, wondering only for a moment who the golden fish is before you're pushed aside to make way for the newcomer.

In that moment, somewhere in your world that even you have never seen, a shadow breaks the surface, and enters. It's grey and dulled, but it knows you better than you know yourself. And you've met it before, something nags at the back of your mind; a lost memory, but you push it impatiently away - the first you've ever blown a memory away.

The golden fish glances at you as it leaves, chuckling at your foolishness.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Namazuo's PoV**_

The two of you haven't spoken for a week now.

It happened last week, in Honebami's room - you used to joke about it being 'your room' too, but not anymore - just after dinner. He'd told you how he felt about not fitting in with you, and about not wanting you to talk so much to the others anymore... You knew that he'd been upset about the way you'd been acting recently (not that he had any reason to), but you'd never thought that he'd explode on you like that… okay, exploded wasn't the right word for Honebami. But still…

The way he acted had been pretty out-of-character for somebody as cool-headed as him… you were worried, yet - it wasn't your fault he was jealous. They were your friends! He'd come around, eventually, right?

You can't help but wonder how Honebami's been doing without you.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Honebami's PoV**_

The past few weeks have been torture.

Watching Namazuo walk by you without so much as looking your way hurt almost more than you could bear, but you forced yourself to keep it in, not wanting to burden him anymore. And it was obvious that you had, from how eagerly he had cast you aside; you understood now.

Sleepless nights passed by you like horses on a carousel, floating with you on a never ending ride, with peeling paint and toothless grins.

The koi pond was beautiful at night, like a mirror reflecting the moon, bright enough that the stars seemed to reach for it when dawn came to drag them away. In the silvery light that drifted from the sky above you, you watched the koi swim gracefully through the water, tails flashing brightly when they broke the water's surface. You let their calm movements seep into your head like anaesthetic, soothing your loud, confusing feelings, and leaving you with a sense of peace that only Namazuo had ever been able to give you.

You can feel him slipping away from you, through the water, and instantly seek 'him' in the water, trying to find his koi in the gentle ripples that seemed to distort the world below.

He's with the golden koi, again, and you feel a dull pain in your chest. It's silly, but you couldn't get over the fact that 'Namazuo' had started to ignore 'you', rubbing salt into your still-bleeding wound.

But would this wound ever stop bleeding?


	4. Chapter 4

**_Namazuo's PoV_**

"Namazuo." A voice causes you to stop in your tracks, on your way to lunch with Atsu and Midare. "We need to talk."

You know the owner of the voice, but it only serves to make you even more reluctant to turn around. Still, you know you have to, so you force yourself to face him, and plaster yet another smile onto your face.

"Go ahead, guys, I'll see you at dinner, okay?" You watched as they left, before finally turning around to look at your grim-faced brother.

"What is it, Ichigo?" you ask, but you already know what he wants to talk about.

"Honebami has been different recently…. You fought with him, didn't you? It would be best if the two of you made up… I'm worried about him. Talk to him, okay?" Ichigo smiles slightly at you, obviously expecting you to agree…

You nod reluctantly, more than a little upset that you had to be the one apologising to Honebami. For as long as you could remember, you'd always had to adapt to fit him; Honebami this, Honebami that; everything seemed to revolve around him. (you hadn't used to mind, but now, even Ichigo…)

Why did nobody notice how hurt you were, too? They all assumed you'd be fine no matter what, there to smile at them and comfort them… You had feelings too, even if you didn't show them much. Ichigo and Honebami knew you best, and yet…

Still, you'd promised. It looked like you'd have to accommodate Honebami once again tomorrow.

Sighing softly, you stared for a moment at the pond, and the backs of the koi which swam gracefully in it, and wished that you could be like them, free to live as they pleased within the shimmering water that was their home. Duty called, though, and you turned unhappily towards the dining hall, wishing that tomorrow - and your confrontation with Honebami - would never come.

You didn't catch the flash of white that darted past you, headed to the pond which you had just left behind.

The dining hall was just the same as it had always been, yet something felt missing. You laughed at your brothers' antics, ignoring the space in the seat next to yours. No, you took that back. Nothing was missing, nothing at all.


End file.
